as big as we make it

claim: it is so amazingly easy to get caught up in impulsive living. there's so many stimulants, so many things to do, buy, eat..places to drive, people to see, questions to Google. even for someone like me, who by others standards, lives on the "fringe" of society--the facebook-less, TV-less, moneyless young veggie-lovin' idealist-- still cannot easily give up the convenience of driving, or ignore the practicality of internet-based networking.  

proof: here i am,  reviving my old poetry blog in an attempt to make more of my writing, or at least make writing more a part of my life by setting the intention to share it with others. i am pretty clueless about how to spread the word that i am blogging. you know, so i can have hundreds and thousands of followers who want to read what i write about, maybe even make some money off of advertisements.. the blogger's dream, right?

proof: i am here, late at night, burning my eyes with the light from the screen in spite of the fact that our (me and my partner paige) day was murky, stressful, and mean for reasons that we attributed entirely to the fact that we started our mornings in front of computers, without any specific goal, but rather a mental list of things that we could be doing on the internet: searching for jobs, checking the RSVP list for our wedding, researching affordable sources for yurts and yomes..and any other ideas-for-the-future that seemed relevant enough to mindlessly plug into our search engine, as if each was  a quarter in a pinball machine, and our ideas the ball that we just knock around in cyberspace until we encounter distraction or frustration, surrendering our presence to the glowing screen, searching for ways to satisfy our unknown satisfactions, waiting for the web's seemingly infinite potential to serve us a plate of realized idealism but knowing that the wait will go on forever...yet still doing it.
in starting off the day by sacrificing our minds together, we realized we also sacrificed our ability to communicate lovingly with each other.
but i am here now, again in front of the glow because i also felt inspired several times  today by simplicity, nostalgic simplicity to be precise. in a few spontaneous moments of silent contemplation, after anxious hours of confusion and frustration, i found peace in the idea of slowing down, this week, we are visiting my parents and it is revisiting spaces that i used to go to for thinking, places like my bedroom where i found the time to meditate on life and all the possibilities that awaited me. those thoughts that i had during my high school years seem foreign now. it feels that all the mystery is gone. i have lived far away from home, in many places. i have met many people and established myself as an independent. the thoughts seem foreign, but not naive. there is peace in that memory, calmness. i don't remember feeling like i had many worries.. i trusted that everything would work out and adventures would come that would teach me all i needed to know. now, i often catch myself worrying, trying to force things..."going against the way of nature". i ask myself the age old question: what happened?

i think it comes down to a matter of perspective. our world of possibilities can be as big as we make it.. which is a good thing. and it can also be as complicated as we make it.. which is also a good thing, because it means we have a choice. we can decide how we want to deal with things that may arise, whether they be a matter of how to spend the day, or how to respond to a tense situation with a loved one. we are blessed with the ability to decide for ourselves whether we take an active or passive stance on any thing that comes up as long as we are willing to accept the consequences.,,and we can learn how to not only accept the consequences but to also make the consequences favorable. we can slow down and benefit from reducing the amount of things we worry about. we can find peace in simplicity, and still find hope in the BIG unknown.