as big as we make it

claim: it is so amazingly easy to get caught up in impulsive living. there's so many stimulants, so many things to do, buy, eat..places to drive, people to see, questions to Google. even for someone like me, who by others standards, lives on the "fringe" of society--the facebook-less, TV-less, moneyless young veggie-lovin' idealist-- still cannot easily give up the convenience of driving, or ignore the practicality of internet-based networking.  

proof: here i am,  reviving my old poetry blog in an attempt to make more of my writing, or at least make writing more a part of my life by setting the intention to share it with others. i am pretty clueless about how to spread the word that i am blogging. you know, so i can have hundreds and thousands of followers who want to read what i write about, maybe even make some money off of advertisements.. the blogger's dream, right?

proof: i am here, late at night, burning my eyes with the light from the screen in spite of the fact that our (me and my partner paige) day was murky, stressful, and mean for reasons that we attributed entirely to the fact that we started our mornings in front of computers, without any specific goal, but rather a mental list of things that we could be doing on the internet: searching for jobs, checking the RSVP list for our wedding, researching affordable sources for yurts and yomes..and any other ideas-for-the-future that seemed relevant enough to mindlessly plug into our search engine, as if each was  a quarter in a pinball machine, and our ideas the ball that we just knock around in cyberspace until we encounter distraction or frustration, surrendering our presence to the glowing screen, searching for ways to satisfy our unknown satisfactions, waiting for the web's seemingly infinite potential to serve us a plate of realized idealism but knowing that the wait will go on forever...yet still doing it.
in starting off the day by sacrificing our minds together, we realized we also sacrificed our ability to communicate lovingly with each other.
but i am here now, again in front of the glow because i also felt inspired several times  today by simplicity, nostalgic simplicity to be precise. in a few spontaneous moments of silent contemplation, after anxious hours of confusion and frustration, i found peace in the idea of slowing down, this week, we are visiting my parents and it is revisiting spaces that i used to go to for thinking, places like my bedroom where i found the time to meditate on life and all the possibilities that awaited me. those thoughts that i had during my high school years seem foreign now. it feels that all the mystery is gone. i have lived far away from home, in many places. i have met many people and established myself as an independent. the thoughts seem foreign, but not naive. there is peace in that memory, calmness. i don't remember feeling like i had many worries.. i trusted that everything would work out and adventures would come that would teach me all i needed to know. now, i often catch myself worrying, trying to force things..."going against the way of nature". i ask myself the age old question: what happened?

i think it comes down to a matter of perspective. our world of possibilities can be as big as we make it.. which is a good thing. and it can also be as complicated as we make it.. which is also a good thing, because it means we have a choice. we can decide how we want to deal with things that may arise, whether they be a matter of how to spend the day, or how to respond to a tense situation with a loved one. we are blessed with the ability to decide for ourselves whether we take an active or passive stance on any thing that comes up as long as we are willing to accept the consequences.,,and we can learn how to not only accept the consequences but to also make the consequences favorable. we can slow down and benefit from reducing the amount of things we worry about. we can find peace in simplicity, and still find hope in the BIG unknown.

rock for creeley or she

it's happening
in freedom:

the opportunity
to embrace
the real yoga

in
the mornings,
she will remember.

i too
can throw a rock
at a wall and

it will hit a lake
and the lake will
re-member me.

like when we
re-membered each other
and love
in August

by night,
under the valley sky

by day,
shirtless in the creek

first day

Today
is the first day
and we shall create stolen windmills
out of cracks in the pavement

slats

I found two broken slats
on the old bench swing
before he died

the and
and with
the season
the changing
and day
the prayers
the want
the free girl
and child-place

you may have heard about this discussion over slavery
and that it will only get better
but make sure you get the right information.
because people like Doug keep talking
“who is Doug?!”
don’t say you don’t know!
he is the first person to twitter from space
he said ‘press my thing and I’ll chat’
and since then, we actually had to give him
what we call a ‘makeunder’

we should not be honoring people
we are missing something--
can we hear it again?
"it can break, it can float, it can drift"
can we hear it again?
"it can break, it can float, it can drift"
can we hear it again?
"it can break, it can float, it can drift"
can we hear it again?
can we hear it again?
can we hear it again?

good morning

it was the ventilated night of boxers
it was the left tire home prevention program
matched up against external star-gazed loss
it was the eighth grade guacamole soulmate
making return with receipt (with child?)
it was the ten mile reunion fall,
fifteen minute independence
and five day water talking chewstick
it was the double fat American dirt camp
and it was walking—
walking through town, bay, and women sights
and it was the beach lie on Buddha time,
the homeless conversation hour,
and it was the lust seed in China street.
it was my shotgun marathon trip.

thanks for letting me listen to my music

Too far to trace Charleston lightning from mid-flatland to our California 69 boy in the ravioli game secret of your old college friend dunce momma hockey stick years back when then you had done the school thing, not me who not freed from sharing in the Carolina smiles and insisting old fads, fast food, and western sun passing through now other flatlands—other lands altogether—with “new solar homes” and me questioning thoughts of the frequented stops—remember Charleston?—trace those hills now but with different strokes (amigos): no virginity no Spanish to go home to—no home at all it seems besides unknown feathers and Hunter and the goddesses’ legs of earth with even hearts too open to recall on this day

he crossed things which
which would the mouth
with what does overhead falling
you said why things we

on place pretty school guns
system out zero eight
with what does overhead falling
you said why things we

all southern last in factor flat
the being so how friends
with what does overhead falling
you said why things we

bless this frisky risky japanese life

bless the saturday journalist

bless the pope
and jesus the california governor
and expansive lawns
and users of "folk medicine"

bless kobe bryant

bless life in the fast lane

bless everything all the time

sweet

Day 8:
high finish
earlier this week I apologized
-- another jigsaw falling

5:27 PM

I.

days old and small
we live free then die
waiting
waiting
on my garden mother
I fell away, around
the great future mountain—
chilling dolls:
they will kill culture
and the soul band—
we are stardust
and there are so many variables
in this private symphony space
we can’t leave
what we all share
we share in common
everywhere knowledge
perfect money
the best stories;
find the experience.



II.

Dear American Cheese,
you used to be the best.
and you were free.
I know you’re excited
about a legitimate chance to be back
but you don’t need the internet
God believes in you
and I love you
you are my mother

11:11AM

I.

now just a minute stop right there.
I don’t know you but don’t say a word.
shut the door. stay here.
hey what’s that sound?
zydeco?
it’s awkward, but almost stimulating.
keep it coming



II.
one summer from Chicago
with their hands in the busy wallflowers
they knew everything

second week in septemberday

bright young cat:
released behind the garage bush
and bright young cat:
where I came to know no journaling square
digging for Hindu mother's breath
jogging forth from remember- you-when
(then with beard)

bright young cat
sleeping behind another garage
in this place so known as free
where stone buffets rolled down the hill
and into our arms

three hours away
in white we flew bright young cat
see see: sneaking lurking
but not lurking; re-claiming life
inside the 'staff-only' screen door
sitting with a song to myself
from inspired non-words and then
two drinks with breasts
tented by indigo glass

bright young cat stealing away
in Rhinebeck through that upstate air
through hills returning, replacing
again re-gaining the naked falls
without her drumsong
while we try to find anew;
a new gem and
moonrise over the whole country
the same that we
pedaled through without knowing,
without wanting: time
without looking beyond
the simple laughing return
of you bright young cat

10:07 PM

I.

I stopped here to listen to “Somewhere over the Rainbow”
and
I wanted to stop here for jazz
Why?
Cancer.
something went awfully wrong
as you just heard
cancer.
golly!
but
it’s somehow comforting to me--Yea!
I’m still a little high
but I think the rock
is a metaphor
for the illusion of habitat.
--it’s quicksand is what it is





II.

they forget:
very strong country demons
civilized butterflies

they call dreams:
order
and lost discontinuity

they take:
the end to the moon
with this something;
(a way to do,
to breathe)
it was restricted

show me
western moments after dark,

show me
long-winded praise,
or criticism done on days

show me now
things like this
that they confiscated

I want to hope;
because I will.
our name I lay down
to other countries

7:02 PM

I.

shuffleboards,
Spanish cheese,
curling,
my hair,
the spark plugs,
the spirit of the bay:
I can feel it work

II.

I changed
I gave
I’m going
I think
I want
I have
I’ve seen
I run
I don’t


III.

there.
the deadbeats of society.
they are popping up around the valley.
Rodney said “the boss” sent them.
I must say, to be candid with you,
I’m as confused as you are.
Well, I changed my mind,
I’m not confused anymore.
but we’re gonna be here a while.
in other words..until the end of time.
so this time, give it to me easy.

IV

I gave
all kinds
of reasons:

if you
constantly inhale
maple syrup
to protest
the Canadians
it is
very bad
for you

3:50 PM

this economic situation has truly affected all of us
but I won’t fight it;
Switzerland,
along with Austria,
Luxembourg,
and several other countries
dropped me off on the side of the road today
--that’s what makes the difference:
I’m holding on to something that’s not going on now
while a lot of you are concerned even without the European bun.
and some people claim that there’s a Tuesday and Tuesday night
but this is a partnership with Mexico (from behind).
think about how many kinds of ringtones there are,
and the radioisotopes and the age of the Earth
--we just need to go to the doctor
we’re halfway there
a total eclipse of the sun is gonna make everything all right
like never before.

11:06PM

I.
we know how to show it,
we’d be singing at the top of our lungs,
the moon’s shining bright black magic,
and Charles Barkley, one of the best power forwards in the game--
so damn beautiful;
(he was the guy who smelled good)

the private collectors were getting a piece of this
and just to let you know what I mean, if you don’t know:
some Soviet soldiers had decided to stay,
they all won titles.
Father, preserve them from the evil one


II.
from east of the Rockies,
you tell me that you need me.
and that makes you even a better candidate for SWAT police.


III.
the sun comes up, the sun stays down
but on this bright winter’s day we immediately head north
and I’m burning! I’m burning!
how it made you laugh!
the maximum speed is 55 miles per hour for the vehicle you want
don’t be afraid
sometimes when I’m alone I wonder why gentlemen and women
frequent strip clubs, sit down, and have another beer in Mexico
--when it comes from you, you’re nuts right?
but there are times when you just can’t gather the words no more

7:28PM

I.

this is not going well, Where did I go wrong?
the righteous judge of the universe
lost to the Bobcats last week,
and 1 in 30 adults in Washington
are getting hardened like a stone.
and: out-of-work-technicians
(who need new skills)
could never take the place of Supper Central.
--their season is winding down.
Today, in Scottsdale, Jesus went up into the heavens
because people borrowed money;
what do you think of that?
do you know the place to go?
It’s zoom zoom time!
you know you don’t wanna leave;
unless your heart can sprout wings
I don’t think you’re gonna get anywhere fast


II.

Open your eyes!

We are 44th in the nation
--so we have light.
and we’re sleeping well.
and ya know,
high profile kitchen appliances are slowly accumulating in our bodies,
and everyday activities
are never more than thirty minutes away--

Clearly,
Evidently,
it doesn’t happen very often.
Can you believe it? A ham sandwich.
and I’m thinking to myself, “what’s gonna happen next?”

I remember, I remember:
‘minimizing Russia’s importance.’
--cuz we’ll never be wrong.

welcome to the savage nation.

11:36 PM

I.

and Years
after the second world war,
we still have no quantification,
no means of measuring these things
so how do you think you’ll try to quit?
you are required to carry chains, video games,
and everything else of value
because people change behaviors
it’s called statistical analysis--
you see it happen with tourists all the time
(it may change drastically
from one mile post to another)

II.

listen,
if you are a criminal and you’re wanted,
face a wall and raise your skirt
because I’m gonna spank you
and put your week of surprises in Washington.
then you can let them know
that you listened to them
in a place
that rarely gets snow in the middle of winter.



III.

it’s easier and faster when you fall,
so count the raindrops falling on you
when caterpillars emerge